Love or Hate Thy Father and Mother?

A Difficult Teaching of Jesus

We had a question come through our Christian Missionary Friends Group a while ago when we posted these verses:

“If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.”
Luke 14:26

His question was as follows:

What about ‘honor thy mother and father’. What about ‘fathers love your children’? Or ‘pray for your enemies’?

Some people interpret these passages as instructions to forsake family relationships, particularly when there are deep disagreements over theology and/or lifestyles. On its face, this verse seems to indicate exactly that or even more. Rightly understanding any passage of scripture requires us to read it as part of a bigger body of teaching. There are other passages where Jesus teaches on this same topic.

It’s possible to go very wrong here. In order to understand this difficult statement from Jesus, we have to understand more of what He has to say on this matter.

What does Jesus Mean?

If someone thinks to use Matthew 10:34-39 as an excuse to shun his or her parents, Jesus would confront them with these words:

“And He answered and said to them, “Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition?
For God said, ‘HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER,’ and, ‘HE WHO SPEAKS EVIL OF FATHER OR MOTHER IS TO BE PUT TO DEATH.’
But you say, ‘Whoever says to his father or mother, “Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God,” [therefore] he is not to honor his father or his mother.’ And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition.
You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you:
‘THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS, BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME.
‘BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME, TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN.'”
Matthew 15:3-9

Scripture Supports Scripture

If our interpretation of one passage falls flat against another, we must be willing to consider the possibility that our perception is imperfect – that we may have misled ourselves.

If we were to interpret Jesus’ words in Matthew 10 as a prohibition on family relationships while doing the work of the Lord or because of theological disputes, then we would have invalidated the commandment of God.

Virtue Signaling

The Pharisees attempted to “virtue-signal” a righteousness that they did not actually posses: they would give to the temple what would have otherwise been given to love and honor their father and mother (as the Law of God commands). This tradition started during the rebuilding of the temple – and was a very temporary and situational arrangement. When that time ended, many continued the tradition in pure hypocrisy. I suspect that no one who truly loved his family would have done such a thing – unless they were deeply and sincerely misled. Un-love is a crafty enemy that dwells in each of our hearts – it must be confronted, confessed, and forsaken. I would hazard to think that many of the people who continued this tradition had other conflicts with their parents that made this arrangement seem an attractive way of getting around the inconvenient demand to honor thy mother and father – while still appearing virtuous to the other believers.

Jesus commands us not to love our family MORE THAN HIM, so when these special relationships make conflicting and opposing claims to those of Christ. In those situations, the relationships must be “hated” for His sake, though without invalidating the command of God to honor and love them.

True Love

All true love is generated for Jesus’ sake. Hence the scripture says: “We love because He first loved us”. If all of our love is true, then all that we love will be loved for the sake of Jesus. This is why the Christian is commanded to “love your enemies” (Matthew 5:43-48). To refuse such Christian love to our parents (to whom we all are deeply indebted) would be only hypocrisy and self-righteous enthusiasm.

It is not one’s enemies, however, that make the most dangerous claims on our lives, hearts, and decisions; no rather it is those beloved and dysfunctional relationships where human love dominates and where sin is most likely to permeate into the relationship that results in most common temptations. It is in our nearest relationships with our spouses, brothers, sisters, friends, parents, and lovers where we must truly guard our hearts against idolatry and strive to love them not for their own sakes, but for Christ’s. If we love them for His sake, then our love for them will be pure and we will be guarded against some of the dangers that Jesus warns us of.

“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.”
Matthew 10:34-39